Along the lines of my last post, next month for me is usually a time of reflection, of giving thanks and of remembering emotional highs and lows. My birthday’s two days after Xmas, making it hard on the folks in my life who’ve given me gifts over the years (most years I haven’t received gifts for either). Over the past 38 Decembers (not counting the one starting on Sunday), I’ve been smitten with attraction (December 3, 1985), run away from home (December 8, 1978), been mugged by four teenage boys (December 5, 1983), experienced burnout (December ’87 and December ’89) and betrayal (December ’96), not celebrated Chanukah (December ’81, ’82 and ’83), and have experienced holiday joy and summoned up the resolve to make next year a better one.

I used to think that the period between the end of November and the end of February was the season of miracles small and large. That I could fall in serious like for anyone in ’85 — with my second crush (see blogs from July and September) — seemed almost miraculous considering my sober and emotionally detached self at the time. Surviving my third semester at Pitt after homelessness and financial starvation made my December that year especially thankful. Despite my thesis chair and committee, I was beyond happy about finishing my dissertation and having their approval (even if it meant that my post-doctoral career remained cloudy). But the resulting burnout from two rough fall semesters at Pitt and a long and contentious thesis process also helped me understand why many people get depressed this time of the year. In the end, what do all of the pluses and minuses that make up the highs and lows of our lives really mean at the end of the year?

Although I have sometimes felt like a failure, I’ve come to see December as a month of reflection and rebirth, partly because of my birthday and the month’s significance, and partly because of the things that have happened in my life in December. It’s only a season of miracles if you are willing to see yourself and your survival of the year as a miracle in and of itself. Reflection allows you to build on the successes — no matter how few and fleeting — that you experienced during the year and can sustain you into the next one. A rebirth is your willingness to recognize where you’ve fallen short and determining which parts of your life you’re unwilling to fall short in again.

So despite the colder weather and decline in sunlight, the depression, disappointments and drama that has been more Decembers than not for me, the last month of the year is my favorite one. So many of the stories contained in Boy At The Window are ones that come out of or lead somehow to the month of my birth. Even the relationship that became my marriage began in a December twelve years ago (more on that in a later blog).

For those of you who find yourselves depressed or disillusioned by the storms of life, all I can say is that some of my best Decembers have been ones where consumer-based gift-giving hasn’t happened at all or has played a minor role in the holiday season. I’ve usually given of myself in love or trust or out of faith or need. I’ve found myself making plans for the next year or next several years. I’ve often left myself open for good and new things to happen in my life. Most importantly, I’ve found myself looking back at my past and realizing that I have survived so much and overcome so much more, that anything I face now can’t possibly be as horrifying as the circumstances of my youth and young adulthood.

This isn’t a call to suck it up as much as it is one for all of us to put our lives in perspective. To make this season my season and yours as one of humility and thanksgiving and not so much one of shopping and eating. Take it from me, as an authority on how to make this season mean something despite the lack of money or food, Decembers are so much better when you take the time to put your life in perspective and balance.

I’m just as guilty of this as everyone else. It’s a common human affliction really. This not taking stock of our world and our lives, not finding anything to feel thankful about. Comedians like George Carlin and Lewis Black are right about this, hilariously funny, but right. Thanksgivings are an opportunity to combine three uniquely American activities: shopping, gluttonous eating, and watching NFL players knock the stuffing out of each other all afternoon and evening.

I may not eat to the point of puking on Thanksgiving (I usually do all the cooking, so I’m usually not hungry by the time the table’s set anyway) or participate in the annual American pastime of getting ready for Xmas the day after at the nearest malls. I do watch some football, although I’m not a big fan of Dallas or Detroit (the two teams that normally play on Turkey Day). But I must admit that I don’t take time out as much as I used to to say thanks — to God, for my family, for those who’ve been there for me, for all the good that remains in me and in my life.

And on Thanksgiving week especially, there have been important moments in my past for me to remember. I sometimes need to remind myself that though life hasn’t always been great, these moments make life worth living. One of the most important ones occurred nineteen years ago, in the aftermath of my five days of homelessness on the University of Pittsburgh’s campus in the fall of ’88. The revelation that I needed help — and lots of it — to make it through the semester and through college was obvious even after I found a place to live. Right after Labor Day, I sorted out all of my financial aid issues, completely paying off my room and board bill from last year. I found myself with only $450 left over for the semester, even with students loans, Challenge Scholarship, and Pell Grant in hand. Once I accounted for books, food, linens, a new Walkman and other basic needs, I only had a little more than $200 left over. That was by the third week in September.

Even working at CIS didn’t help. Because of my five days in search for a living space, I didn’t get on the computing lab work schedule for September. Pitt paid all of its employees, Work-Study and otherwise, once a month and in arrears. My first full paycheck wouldn’t be until the end of November. I felt screwed. I survived homelessness only to face a major financial crisis, one that left little margin for error. I could’ve saved the forty-five dollars I spent on the new Walkman for some food.

I paid my $140 in rent on time at the beginning of October, and stretched the remaining $70 as much as I could. I made my mother’s favorite cheap meal for one week, five-dollar spaghetti with broccoli. With seasoning and Kool-Aid at home, who needed anything else? With all my efforts, the spaghetti and not-so-meaty meat sauce lasted most of the week. Week two was pork neck bones and rice with spinach, the first time I’d eaten a significant amount of pig since the pre-Hebrew Israelite days. Week three was a vat of tuna fish “salad,” which was mixed with just a tiny bit of scraped-from-the-bottom Miracle Whip with salt and pepper. By the end of that week, I couldn’t eat tuna from a can anymore, and I still haven’t to this day.

The end of October rolled around with few prospects and another drop in my weight. I was sick of Kool-Aid made with bad Pittsburgh water and peanut butter sandwiches. My money was so short that I finally swallowed my pride and asked for help. I first asked Regis, after he noticed that we weren’t even hanging out at the Roy Rogers in the Cathedral of Learning. After I told him about my starvation diet, he said, “Man, I can at least bring you some bread and a potata. We don’t want you out here starvin’.” Later that week, Regis actually gave me some bread and a small sack of potatoes. I bummed a few dollars off of Marc, enough to add a hamburger and some chips to my diet of peanut butter crackers and peanut butter sandwiches. Others got into the act, including Lee, who shared some of his dinner with me a couple of times back at Welsford.

I also started donating plasma through Sera–Tec’s South Oakland “lab” twice a week to supplement my lack of income. It required me to lie next to winos, homeless men, and college students apparently doing this for similar reasons or because it was part of their hazing as frat pledges. I made $75 for six sessions of donating enough plasma to save many lives. The IVs the technicians used and reused they also stuck in the same place in my right arm. So much so that several doctors in the decade after my Sera–Tec days asked me if I ever used heroin. Sera–Tec was a temporary fix all right, one that only provided enough money for more bread, peanut butter and Kool-Aid.

Despite these acts of generosity and my acts of desperation, I knew that I’d probably starve before the semester was over. I had less than ten dollars to work with after the first week in November. I went to Thackeray Hall to register for classes for next semester. While there, it occurred to me to go upstairs to see one of the financial aid counselors, an older Black woman who’d been really nice to me while working through my bill issues earlier in the semester. I told her in detail what was going on. “You need to talk to Ron,” she said, referring to Ron Slater, the university ombudsman, the person who normally resided over tuition payment issues. So there I was the next day, explaining to the ombudsman my situation. “We’ll take care of this, we’ll find you some extra money. Just hang in there for a few days.” He actually offered me money right out of his wallet. “No thanks, I’ll be all right,” I said, my voice starting to crack because I was so grateful that anyone cared enough to help me through my dire straits. I somehow found a way not to cry right there on the spot.

The week before Thanksgiving, I went to check in with Beverly, the financial aid person I’d seen earlier. “I’ve got good news for you, but you’ll have to wait a few days.” Through the ombudsman, the university had recalculated my financial aid package, increasing my Pell to the maximum amount allowed, and adding the federal SEOG grant (Supplemental Educational Opportunity Grants) to my aid menu. Both gave me an extra $800 to work with. After that weekend, one where Regis’ potatoes became a part of my diet, I bummed five dollars off of one of my classmates from General Writing. The next day I got my check from the ombudsman. “I’m so glad to have been of help. It’s part of my job. I just wish you’d come to me earlier,” Ron said. Hearing that did get me to tear up. I was in the spirit of the season already. It was two days before Thanksgiving. I spent that holiday at Melissa C.’s house with her and her father, an ailing contractor in his early-sixties. It was the most thankful holiday I’d ever experienced.

It was the first of five straight Thanksgivings either spent with friends and their families or by myself, but all in which I was thankful for what I had while striving for something better. It seems like it’s been a lifetime since those naive and cynical days, where I didn’t trust anyone in my life. The bout with homelessness and the financial straits that followed changed my life in ways that I notice even today. Even with the years of working long hours and fighting for my career as a writer, I realize that I wouldn’t be here or on this blog doing any of what I’m able to do today without the kindness of strangers and friends, the ability to divorce myself from my past or the sense that God had a purpose for me, a reason for living and being. Even after nearly two decades, I have this and so much else to be thankful for. Happy Thanksgiving!

Well I did it. I tendered my resignation for my job of nearly four and to my organization of nearly seven years, effective in early February. It was a tough decision, even given all of my reasonable reasons for making a job and career change. I’m happy that I made the move. More importantly, I’m happier and looking forward to the next phase of my life and career.

The days after handing my resignation to my boss and explaining it to her have been filled mostly with relief tinged by a bit of sadness. After all, I like my supervisor and most of the folks I’ve worked with over the past four or seven years. And while I believe that my decision to resign was the right one, my doubts still linger about the consequences of leaving a job — however unstable the job and funding situation was and is — without another position already lined up. It seems weird to step out on faith — in God, myself, my wife and family — without calculating every conceivable angle for staying or going ahead of time.

But besides all of the things I have in my favor, the lessons I’ve learned from Boy At The Window are important ones for the road that lies ahead. I’m the same person who witnessed my mother getting beat up and knocked unconscious by my now ex-stepfather twenty-five years ago. The same human being who stepped in and took a summer’s worth of abuse from my stepfather in ’82, who found himself without a serious friend for years, who contemplated suicide at the age of fourteen. I’m certainly the same person who spent five days on the brink of dropping out of college, five days homeless on a major college campus wondering if I’d ever have any hope of having a future.

I’ve seen and been involved in so many things that I’ve had to overcome to get to this point in my life — including unemployment and underemployment — that I have little doubt that everything I’m searching for will actually happen. Including the success I desire as a writer. Yet the move to close one chapter in my life while opening another one has produced moments of anxiousness, of unfocused energy where I can do everything and nothing at the same time. It’s strange, really, almost exhilarating how this decision of mine has begun to affect my view of myself and my life of late.

But I know that none of this matters if I don’t find my footing as a successful writer and teacher in the foreseeable future. I know that there are things more important in life than paying rent or a mortgage, than the obvious accouterments of success. At the same time I understand that having some sense of financial security and independence can make the other parts of my life that much easier to enjoy and pursue. I want to be happy, to enjoy success and to cherish all of the people, places and things that are near and dear to me. If Boy At The Window has been about anything, it’s been about knowing that life is too precious to spend our time living in fear and despair, without trust and with little hope. That’s what this move to take more control over my life is about, to imbue all I am with a life of meaning and purpose that accounts for financial need, career success and personal happiness.

This week marks seven years since I did my first of two interviews with my current employer, a nonprofit organization just north of Dupont Circle in Washington, DC. The organization is known mostly as a State Department/USAID subcontractor, as most of its work is internationally focused. All of my work for this organization has been US based, either around social justice or higher education reform. Of course, given my upbringing, none of you should be surprised that I would find my way into work that reflects my attempts to help bring fairness to an unjust and unforgiving world.

Overall, I’ve spent ten of the past eleven years since finishing my doctorate working in the nonprofit world, including the seven at my current organization? I’ve taught off and on throughout those years, bringing excitement to an otherwise dull and tedious line of work. I was never an idealist — how could I be after my middle school and high school years. But I still held out hope that important work to help those less fortunate occurred in the nonprofit world. The reality is far more depressing than anything I’ve written about in any of my blogs. There are corporations — yes, corporations — that do more to help people get their lives together than anything I’ve seen in my years as a nonprofit manager.

But even more than the issue of disillusionment, denial, rage, despair and acceptance is the rediscovering of myself as a writer seven years ago, just at the time I did my first interview in the Dupont Circle area. That revelation (see Age of Discovery blog from October) meant that I’d reach the only conclusion that I could over the past seven years. That the best way for me to help others, help myself and find a zone of peace and happiness would be if I fulfilled my calling as a writer. And I’ve been doing as much writing as anyone with a full-time job, a wife and a child should expect and then some.

But even with that, I realize that for most of my colleagues in my current organization, my writing makes me an oddball. The only kind of writing they seem to care about is grant proposal writing — very technical, very report-like, very, very boring. There are law briefs and quantum physics papers more exciting than grant proposals, especially ones meant for the federal government. For those already familiar with this kind of writing, my comments may seem both harsh and irrelevant. Except that I’ve written or helped to write nearly 20 concept papers and proposals in the past two and a half years alone. I realize that I no longer care whether a grant proposal is successful or not. I know that most of what we do doesn’t reach the folks who need the grant dollars the most, everyday people like me during my Boy At The Window days.

So I plan to make a few changes in the next few months, closing the door that I opened eleven years ago when my advisor refused to support my academic job search, while working to open up (more like blow up) doors that I’ve pried open, but not quite all the way yet. I have a nest egg that I can crack open if my search for success as a writer (not to mention my search for other, more relevant employment) continues far longer than I would ever expect. First, I have one person I need to talk to about my future moves, and it isn’t my wife — she’s been supporting my decision for nearly a year now.

It’s a risk, of course, deciding to take a less sure road while chasing down a dream, hoping that my sprinter speed is good enough to catch what I believe should’ve been mine so many years ago. Life, of course, is full of risks, many risks that most of us are afraid to take, even afraid that the risk may actually work and be worth it. The problem with playing life safe is that if you decide not to go after something you truly desire, what you’d prefer not to have usually is the end result. Life for the best part of each of us begins when we decide to go after what we want, often regardless of the consequences. All I know is that I’d rather do what I’m about to do than have my four-year-old son remembering his old man as a sour and unhappy individual, someone who didn’t care enough about himself and his family to fight for everything that could make all of our lives better. Bottom line is, there are things in life more important than an easy paycheck.

My mother turned 60 years old just the other day. I sent her a dozen orange roses for the occasion, one for every five years of her life. They should last at least a couple of weeks, since they weren’t in bloom just yet. I also sent her a card, wishing her nothing but a great day, a great decade, and peace on the start of her seventh decade of life.

My mother doesn’t even look close to 60, but as all of you know from other blogs, some of those first six decade have been tough and brutal, for her and for me. My mother was the first of twelve kids for Beulah and Samuel Gill, Sr., born in the small town of Bradley, Arkansas. They were tenant farmers in the Red River Valley of southwest Arkansas, just five miles from the Louisiana border, growing cotton and just enough food to feed what would become a huge family. Bradley was and remains a one-flashing-yellow-light-four-corner town on Route 29. Just over five hundred people lived there, with farms, shotgun houses, and ranch-style homes neatly segregated between a few affluent Whites, lots of poor Whites, and the abundantly poor Black side of town.

Being born into the Gill family in the late 1940s meant that my mother’s life would be a difficult and emotionally tortured one. She started doing household chores when she was five, began her role as a babysitter for her (eventually) eleven siblings when she was six, and graduated to hoeing and picking cotton by the time she was eight. Given that, it’s amazing that she wanted to get married or have kids.

Still, my mother had her half-Choctaw and half-Irish great-grandmother, her great-aunt, and her high school basketball team growing up (they team made the state semifinals in 1965). They all worked in her favor, as all three provided for her emotional well-being as she grew into an attractive six-foot woman. After drifting a bit after her high school graduation in ’65, one of my mother’s cousins came from the Bronx for a visit the next summer and told her that there were good jobs in New York City. Without much thought, my mother took a three-day bus trip from Texarkana to New York to what she hoped would be a new life. Given the alternative of tenant farming and generational poverty, New York must’ve seemed like going to heaven.

Sixteen years, a dead-end job and two abusive husbands later, my mother must’ve been thinking that Mount Vernon was an outpost somewhere on the outskirts of hell. With a fourteen-year-old kid in a school for the retarded, a twelve-year-old (me) getting beat up by the second husband, a three-year-old who all but refused to speak because of his abuse, a one-year-old and another one on its way, it was little wonder that she showed affection about as often as it rains in Death Valley.

My mother represents the opposite spectrum of my issues with women, the side that wants to help every woman in distress, especially women who may be in trouble. For twenty years after Memorial Day ’82, I tried to do everything I could to help my mother and to help make her happy. Over the years — many of which were as a college and grad student — I sent and brought home between $10 and $15,000 to pay for food and bills, to shop for my siblings’ clothes or to take them to a movie or a baseball game, to help take care of whatever needed to be taken care of for her and for my younger siblings.

But it was never enough, and I knew that deep down, even as a teenager. My mother has been on a lifelong search for meaning in her life, for someone or something whom she could pour all of her hope and faith into. Her search would explain why she chose to be with and marry my father Jimme, even with all of his shyness and growing addiction to alcohol as his method of making himself a New York “big shot.” He worked hard, making $300 a week as a janitor working at the Federal Reserve in Manhattan in the late ’60. It would explain why she rebounded into a marriage with my ex-stepfather in ’78 after her divorce from Jimme, for the self-assured and bombastically arrogant Maurice was in some ways the opposite of Jimme (he was more the other side of the same coin). My mother’s search would explain our collective conversion to Hebrew-Israelite Judaism in ’81, her embracing millennial Christianity in the mid and late ’80s, and her cutting herself off from any relationships with men after her second divorce in ’89.

There are many things I don’t like about my mother, both in terms of her outlook on life, the things that she’s done and the mistake she made by commission or omission. From our descent into welfare poverty to being forced to live with an abusive asshole for so many year. My older brother Darren’s stint in a school for the retarded even though he wasn’t retarded. Moving back into 616 East Lincoln three years after a fire had gutted the building in April ’95. Her complete distrust of anyone interested in dating or hanging out with me or any of my siblings. Her bigotry toward everyone who wasn’t poor, Black, heterosexual and from the South. Her refusal to trust anyone in authority, and her lack of confidence in herself and in her abilities.

I spent an entire family intervention in ’02 going over my mother’s faults and mistakes as a way to reach my younger siblings, who had never known my mother to work a regular job or as someone who had hopes, dream, aspirations and the energies to pursue them. I knew that the intervention would change my relationship with my mother for the rest of our lives. I just never anticipated that over the years that our relationship would get better and more like mother and adult son, and less like mother-young son, brother-sister, wife-surrogate husband, etc. Despite all of her ridiculously bad decisions and tendencies to take the path of least resistance, I still love her and want her to be happy. I’ve learned, though, that she has to be the one to want to be happy in order for anything I do to make a difference. I still hold out hope that my mother can find peace and rest in this life, maybe even with someone in her life who’ll take the time to understand her and have the patience to work with her to acknowledge her difficult past and to put it all behind her.

A couple of blogs ago I talked about my two-decade-long struggle to see myself as who I always was, a writer, a person who loved to write and rewrite sentences to say something to the world. Part of what got in the way of my discovering myself as a writer until turning 30 was my obligation to the practical. For years after my ex-stepfather’s abuse of my mother and our fall into poverty I saw it as my duty to help take care of my mother and my four younger siblings. Even going to college was in part a mission for my family, to earn a practical degree so that I could get a practical and decent-paying job. So I started my undergraduate education at Pitt as a Computer Science major, hoping to get a job as a computer programmer in the NYC-area that started at $25K a year.

That was in August ’87, and it was my naive plan for helping to lift my family up out of poverty and the violence of the recent past. Almost as soon as I set my plans in motion, I knew that something felt wrong. I’d taken a Pascal class my junior year at Mount Vernon High School and thoroughly enjoyed it. But the same class at Pitt seemed like a lot of effort for nothing. I got a B on one of my first big projects, a 500-plus line program that kept screwing up because I had two semi-colons out of place. I never felt like my class was something I should enjoy. I did okay enough, a B- in a course I earned a B+ in just a year and a half before.

I thought that it was just a symptom of my homesickness and my disillusionment over my second crush. Then I took a Logic course that was required as part of my major during my second semester. We had a British guy with a bar-handled mustache and over-dyed red hair. He was a professor with subtle British contempt for his American students. In a semester where I channeled all of my hurt and rage into my courses, the Logic course was the only one in which I didn’t do well — I earned a solid C. I never understood what this had to do with programming computers. It wasn’t as if I would be feeding a computer software based on some of my loopy logic problems anyway.

I came away from my freshman year knowing that I needed to change my major to something I loved, History preferably, although American literature would’ve worked as well. I knew all of this. I just couldn’t do it at first. My unemployed summer of ’88 experience didn’t help matters. “What can do you with a History degree,” I could hear my mother saying to me if I dared to change my degree and my plans to help her and my siblings. I could also hear what some of my former high school classmates said to me my senior year. “The only thing you can do with History is play Jeopardy,” one of them said in derision that year. Another classmate, jealous of my class ranking (14th out of 545), said “History’s the only reason you’re ranked in the top twenty.”

So I proceeded to take an Assembly Language course at the beginning of my sophomore year at Pitt, the Fall of ’88. After my week of homelessness, I was already a week behind in the course. For those of you unfamiliar with Assembly Language, it’s the language that makes sense out of all of the 0s and 1s that tell computers to do everything from turning on and off to turning every letter I’m typing into this Georgia font. My first program for the semester earned me a 50, which was in the middle of the pack. I could have coasted frustratedly to a C or a C+ by the end of the semester. What bothered me the most, though, was the fact that I knew that I couldn’t stand another nanosecond of this course, of any course, involved computer programming and systems analysis. If I somehow had been able to grow a mullet, I would’ve torn it out of my head by the time the middle of October rolled around.

I met with my teaching assistant from the Western Civilization II course I’d taken in the spring and told him my situation. He smiled and said, “Who cares what you do with your degree, as long as you’re happy doing it? The rest will fall into place.” Looking back, I know that taking advice from a poor history grad student about my life and career prospects probably wasn’t the wisest thing I could’ve done. But it was better than anything I would’ve gotten at home.

On Tuesday, October 18 of ’88, I called my mother collect from one of the front entrance phone booths inside William Pitt Student Union (I could barely afford to eat, much less a phone in my fire trap of my one-room in a falling-apart rowhouse). Then I told her what I had done that afternoon. That I had marched into the College of Arts & Sciences office on the eighth floor of the Cathedral of Learning and changed my major to History. There was a long pause on the other end of the phone, which seemed to go on longer than a Grateful Dead concerts. Finally, she said, “Are you sure, Donald? What you gonna do with a History degree?” “I don’t know yet, but I’ll figure it out,” I said in response.

That was just a day more than 19 years ago, a lifetime since my confusion over who I was going to college for. I learned something that day, something I sometimes need to remind myself of on occasion. That we all need to live our lives for ourselves as much as we do to benefit others, and sometimes, despite the others would may need your help. If I had followed through and earned a B.A. in Computer Science from Pitt, my mother and family would’ve been moderately happy, but I know I would’ve been miserable.

People make too many tradeoffs in the illusion that what they are doing for money will offset their unhappiness and help maintain the life that they want to have, for themselves and their loved ones. I know first-hand that for so many of us, this is an excuse waiting for a reason, and fear of failure or of disapproval or loss is that reason. Dreams may not pay the bills (although they can in my case), but they do make life worth living.

Tomorrow is October 16. Thirty-eight years ago tomorrow, the New York Mets won their first World Series, taking the Baltimore Orioles in five games. A little bit more than two months later, I came into the world, destined to be a Mets fan before a became an ex-baseball fan in the 1990s. Because I still remember that the Mets won their first World Series on October 16th of ’69, I also remember that the birthday of my second crush-turned-obsession is also tomorrow. It’s not exactly something that I remember with fondness.

Let’s rewind two decades to the days before 10/16/87. I was beginning to experience homesickness and I was tired of wondering about the past summer and the betrayal and disappointment I felt after being humiliated by this former crush and her sister (see July 23, 2007 blog “A Dream That Had to Die”). I’d been unsuccessful in my first feeble attempts at dating in my first semester of college at the University of Pittsburgh, so that didn’t exactly inspire confidence. But I remembered what a female friend of mine had told me about being more assertive, more determined about my dealings with women at the end of the summer. I felt like I had nothing to lost.

So about a week before October 16th, I bought a purple birthday card with a purple envelope. I wrote up my feelings about my crush and how I saw things regarding the summer that had passed and confronted her about the things that she had said about me in a letter I included with the card. I went to Hillman Library, found her university’s dorm room numbers and got her address. I remember putting the card and letter in the mail and thinking, “Let’s see if she responds.”

About two weeks later, she responded in what I’d call a Prince and the Revolution sort of way. If anyone’s old enough or a fan enough to remember, Prince practically invented text messaging about a decade before ordinary cell phone and pager owners started using it. My second crush wrote an entire letter in Prince short hand, with heart shapes as dots over her “i”s included and “2” for “to”. She admitted that she was talking about me with her sister in July and that she did in fact “like” me at one point. But that was all in the past, and that it was time to move on. Her letter in response helped open up a wound of distrust that I carried for almost a full year after that.

I no longer had any interest in dating, save if it led directly to sex (not that I was successful in this either). What was more important was that I had even less confidence around women my age than I did before my summer of obsession over my second crush. And that lack of confidence affected everything. My grades, my will to overcome my circumstances, my wanting to stay at the University of Pittsburgh or in any other college, my wanting to form new friendships.

Seeing my 2.63 GPA at the end of my first semester did snap me out of my depression at the end of ’87. But it was my almost single-minded determination–anger and controlled rage really–to push past the shattering of my image of my second crush that kept me motivated the following semester to correct the mistake of my first seventeen weeks. One of the great things about a university as large as the University of Pittsburgh is that it serves as a great place to break patterns, to break with the past and embrace new and diverse ideas, people, ways of seeing the world. I did that the following semester, all while calling people who weren’t in my immediate circle “assholes” and “bitches”.

But even in that semester and for the next couple of years, even with dating and a new set of friends and great academic success, it took time to learn how to trust women. I thought that every woman who had an interest in me had an ulterior motive of one kind or another, which caused me to shut them down before they had a chance to introduce themselves. I just refused to believe that they liked me for me unless they were obviously brilliant in their own right or unless mutual lust was the ulterior motive.

It took until my senior year at Pitt and the summer before graduate school to begin to trust all of my instincts about women in general, to see each woman as a whole human being rather than as some triflin‘ viper seeking to hurt me or exploit me in some way. I guess it took that long because I didn’t want to get hurt again, to feel that sense of betrayal and shame that I felt before I was even old enough to vote. It’s the same sense of betrayal and shame I felt when witnessing my mother’s abuse or experiencing abuse first-hand.

Still, I had to get over some of this lack of trust long before my senior year. Otherwise I wouldn’t have made new friends or dated at all or even made it through my third semester at Pitt, which included my week of homelessness and two months of living off of $200 and giving plasma to Sera–Tec twice a week for $25. My lack of trust–of people and of women–didn’t start with my second crush. But that letter exchange twenty years ago pushed me to the edge of the abyss, to my psychological breaking point, before my trust in the One and my rage brought me back from the brink. All of this, of course, is in Boy At The Window.

I’ve been married for almost 7.5 years, and haven’t had much trouble in my dealings with women since the early ’90s. Still, it was a sharp learning curve, one that couldn’t have happened without getting hurt somewhere down the line. It certainly wasn’t any fun. But I guess that it was worth it in the end.